Worried about going back to school? Worried about school bullying? Intimidation, threats, taunting, violence?
Recently there's been much increased awareness of bullying in schools and whilst it may appear that bullying is on the increase, I suspect there's been little change in the amount of bullying that goes on in school. What has changed is that society is at last beginning to recognise just how vile bullying is and that the myths and misperceptions are just that - myths and misperceptions. Those who perpetuate these myths are choosing to be part of the problem, not the solution.
It seems that children bully for a variety of reasons and when dealing with child bullying it's essential to identify who is the bully at the centre of the violence - there's usually one person who's the gang leader - and the reasons for bullying which include:
* frustration - a child is impaired in some way and is frustrated and resentful because the source of their difficulty has not been identified - problems can include deafness, dyslexia, autism, allergy, being left-handed, undiagnosed PTSD or some unidentified learning difficulty - nevertheless the child is expected to perform at the level required by the school and no attempt is made to identify the source of the frustration
* the child is being bullied, the responsible adults have repeatedly failed in their duty of care, so the child slowly and reluctantly starts to exhibit aggressive behaviours because that's the only way to survive in this bullying-entrenched climate
* poor or no role model - the child has no role model at home, or a poor role model for one or both parents and has never had the opportunity to learn behaviour skills
* abuse at home - the child is being abused and is expressing their anger through bullying
* neglect at home - similar to abuse as the child's emotional and behavioural development is being retarded
* undue influence - the child has fallen in with the wrong crowd
* conduct disorder - the child has a conduct disorder, the precursor to antisocial, psychopathic or other personality disorder
Whilst much of this web site on workplace bullying is relevant to child bullying and school bullying, there is one significant difference. A child is still in their formative years, and if a child is exhibiting bullying behaviours, then if you intercede in the right way, many child bullies - with the exception of those with a conduct disorder - can be helped to learn better ways of behaving and interacting with other children. At present, this is not possible with adult serial bullies, especially the sociopathic ones. Psychopaths comprise at least 1% of society and that's only the ones who have been identified. When socialised psychopaths are counted, the percentage could be 2-3%. Psychopathic personality is a lifelong condition and the only thing mental health professionals are agreed on is that it is not caused by bad parenting. For more information on psychopathic personality read The Mask of Sanity by Hervey Cleckly and Without Conscience by Robert Hare. All psychopaths have been through school. Society has no solutions for dealing with psychopaths. [More on psychopaths]
There are very few programmes that will actively help an aggressive child learn to deal with their aggression. Many schools, under pressure of budgets, lack of time, overburdened with work (especially tick sheets and tests), lack of leadership, lack of local education authority support, lack of government support, and rising class sizes [click here for the real picture of education today], either ignore the problem (in which case it gets worse), punish the bully (in which case it gets worse), punish the target of bullying when they stand up for themselves (in which case it gets worse), or expel the bullying pupil (in which case the problem is passed to someone else). All of these are short-term, short-sighted non-solutions which do not address the cause of the problem, which in all cases will get worse. It can result in the death of a pupil, either from suicide (at least 16 children commit suicide in the UK each year because they are being bullied at school and those in authority are failing to deal with it), or from violence, as in the cases of Damilola Taylor in Peckham, South London and Josh Belluardo in Canton, Cherokee County, Georgia, USA.
When Neil Marr and I were writing our book Bullycide: death at playtime we discovered that if bullying is rife in the playground then it?s likely to be rife in the staffroom, and vice-versa. Teachers are the largest group of enquirers to Bully OnLine and in most cases the identified serial bully is the head teacher with one of the behaviour profiles at workbully/serial.htm. A teacher or principal who is bullying members of staff is likely to be bullying the pupils also. In these cases the good teachers - the majority - have become disempowered and disenfranchised. The bullying is designed to try and hide the fact that the principal lacks integrity, maturity and thus, significantly, does not have control of discipline but is now embarking on a campaign to vilify the bullied child and their family in order to divert attention away from his or her lack of competence and to evade liability and personal accountability. Increasingly in the UK, it seems, head teachers are being appointed on the basis of their willingness to simply obey orders and comply with meeting government targets and regardless of their lack of interpersonal skills or educational ability. Such heads often have a high intelligence but a low emotional intelligence (EQ) - and at secondary school level and above it seems that most head teachers and principals share the same funny handshake.
Bullying is the general term applied to a pattern of behaviour whereby one person with a lot of internal anger, resentment and aggression and lacking interpersonal skills chooses to displace their aggression onto another person, chosen for their vulnerability with respect to the bully, using tactics of constant criticism, nit-picking, exclusion, isolation, teasing etc with verbal, psychological, emotional and (especially with children) physical violence. When called to account, the bullying child will typically exhibit the denial - counterattack - feigning victimhood response to evade accountability, often with success. Child bullies are adept at manipulating the perceptions of adults, especially adults who are inexperienced or who have a low EQ.
If a child is exhibiting bullying behaviour, the questions to ask are "why does this child have a lot of internal aggression?" and "why does this child need to displace their internal aggression onto other children?", and "why has this child not learned how to interact with other children in a non-violent manner?". See my page on abuse for clues.
I believe a school should create an environment whereby children understand from the moment they start school that bullying, aggression and violence are not acceptable. It is often the absence of such an ethos that potential bullies perceive as acceptance of their aggressive behaviour. A policy is a start, but it must be more than just words on paper, it has to be a proactive policy, not just a rule book which is dusted down in the head's study after aggression has resulted in injury. Any anti-bullying policy or anti-bullying advice which fails to mention of accountability for the bully and for the responsible adults who are failing in their duty of care is likely to meet with at best limited success.
Positive behaviour should be part of the national curriculum, but unfortunately it is not a subject that produces statistical data that the government can use to show how wonderful its education policy is. Behavioural skills, assertiveness, parenting skills, financial skills, business skills, motivational skills, success skills - key skills for a successful life and career - are conspicuously absent from the national curriculum. I also believe that a whole-school policy should also support both parties. The target is taught assertiveness skills (this will not solve a bullying problem but enables a child to learn emotional and verbal self-defence), whilst the bully is taught how to deal with their aggression and how to interact in a socially responsible manner with other children.
I believe physical punishment is inappropriate, for it reinforces the bullying child's view that violence is an appropriate solution to any problem - if you don't like what someone else is doing, it's OK to hit them. The bullying child needs support, supervision, and mentoring, whilst being helped to understand that violence is not acceptable. If the bullying child refuses to respond positively, then an escalating response is appropriate, including ultimately the removal of the child from the class in order to protect the rights of the majority of children who do choose to conform to the required social norms.
The education system is still one where aggression and violence are dominant. The popular students tend to be the jocks, those with sporting prowess, especially in those activities which require physical strength. In classes, the most aggressive pupil tends to be the one around who all others cluster. Aggression rules. Those children who are non-violent, not physically strong, or physically small, are always vulnerable; their needs are often overlooked, as are their talents. It's the non-violent children who will go on to make the biggest contribution to society.
School environments tend to be one of "exclusion" rather than "inclusion". Children are left to form their own groups, or gangs, and you are either "in" or "out". I believe children should be taught at the outset to show dignity and respect to other children regardless of whether they are "in" or "out", and to be proactive in their relationships to other children, especially those who "do not fit in", for whatever reason. Conformity is high in the list of children's priorities, and rejection, for whatever reason, is particularly painful. Sadly, many children do not learn the best interaction skills at home, and this is where schools can make a big difference.
Much good work has been done on addressing bullying in schools, but much remains to be done. Research shows that at least 50% of children will be bullied at school. The incidence is probably much higher. Bullying prevents children from undertaking their studies and results in grades which are lower than they would otherwise be which means that the school appears lower down the league tables than they otherwise would.
If a child learns how to bully, and gets away with it, there's a lot of anecdotal evidence to suggest they leave school and carry on their bullying in the workplace. This web site is the result.
So who's responsible?
I think it's important not to immediately blame individuals. And especially not teachers. There are a few bullying teachers (it's surprising how often these get promoted to positions of management), but most teachers are hard-working individuals who dedicate their lives to educating the next generation. The problem, as so often, lies further up the management chain.
We all have a collective responsibility, and bullying is the result of a number of factors. I believe the way forward is to identify all the factors and especially the causes, then begin to modify our education system so that in 25 or 50 years time, bullying is no longer a problem. There are no quick fixes, by the way, although change, if properly implemented - and resourced and funded (smirk) - will start to bring dividends inside a year or two.
Bully OnLine provides unique insight into bullying and explores the profile of the serial bully. Everyone, I believe, has experience of at least one person in their life with the profile of the serial bully. It may be at home with a violent partner or family member, or at work with an aggressive co-worker or boss, or with an aggressive neighbor, or at school with the school bully. Living or working with a serial bully can drive you mad. Click here to see who you know with this behavior profile.
Browse this web site to understand bullying ... start with Am I being bullied? then move on to What is bullying? Click injury to health to see the effects of prolonged negative stress such as that caused by bullying and harassment. Unchecked, prolonged negative stress can result in trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If you are severely bullied as a child, the trauma can last a lifetime. To find out what you can do about bullying, click Action to tackle bullying. And have a look at the profile of the serial bully which is common to to many violent people.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Young And Armed
India has seen its first school shootout. Now, a study shows that a growing number of students carry weapons SHOBHITA NAITHANI reports
ASHWIN MOHAN WAS 12 when he began carrying a Rampuri chaku (switch blade) to school. The reason was simple: fighting off the bullies. “The minute I flashed the knife, they would pull back,” recalls Mohan, now a 32-year-old martial arts teacher who discourages his students from carrying arms. “My knives have turned on me on several occasions and the cuts have been ugly,” he says. Instead, he teaches his students to resolve a brawl verbally or else, to simply walk away. “It signifies strength, not weakness,” he says.
Try telling that to 17-year-old Harish*, a student at a premier Delhi school. “I don’t take it lying down. I strike back,” Harish told TEHELKA, although he declined to answer when asked whether he had ever used a knife, a gun or a rod when he struck back.
According to a recent study of 550 adolescents conducted by Delhi’s Safdarjung Hospital across three schools and two Delhi colleges, almost 12 percent of students between the ages of 14 and 19 now carry weapons. The weapons included knives, guns, sticks, clubs, hunters and swords. About 13.5 percent who carried a weapon have threatened or injured someone with it over the past 12 months.
Dr Rahul Sharma, who conducted the study, told Tehelka, “Students were given questionnaires and they were allowed anonymous and voluntary participation. So we can’t be sure if everybody wrote the truth.
But the study does illustrate a worrying trend. It comes six months after the Gurgaon school shootout — a first for India — in which a 14-year-old was killed by two of his classmates. On December 12, 2007, Akash Yadav had allegedly stolen his father’s revolver, and smuggled it into school along with his friend Vikas Yadav. Shortly after classes ended, Akash and Vikas — both are sons of Gurgaon property dealers — pumped five bullets into Abhishek Tyagi. Their rationale: Tyagi had been bullying them.
Akash was admitted to the Gurgaon school just six months prior to the incident — he lived with his maternal grandmother in Faridabad before that — and his mother, Kamlesh Yadav, recalls that he would repeatedly say: “Mummy, main is school mein sirf ek saal padhoonga. Phir mujhe nikaal lena (I’ll study in this school for only a year. Withdraw me after that).” Kamlesh had thought her older son was having the standard “adjusting problems”. So each time he said something about changing schools, she just reassured him, saying, “It’ll be fine”.
The 32-year-old Kamlesh says that Akash, now in a juvenile home in Faridabad, had always been a quiet child. “He never discusses anything with anyone. Not even his friends.” Of the three times she has gone to meet her son at the juvenile home, the 14-year-old has been silent through most of the visit. Akash’s father, Azad Yadav, is in jail too, booked under the Arms Act, and Kamlesh says she can’t fight the case alone.
Unlike the Gurgaon homicide, which was carried out in broad daylight, another murder — on the premises of a premier school in Lucknow, 11 years ago — had taken place quietly, in the dark. The school was shut for the annual term break in March. One Friday morning, just before dawn, two persons made their way into the bachelors’ quarters on the school premises and fired, through a broken window, at the school’s sleeping physical training instructor, Frederick Gomes. Sources told TEHELKA that the principle suspects were the 30-year-old instructor’s former students, whom he had confronted a few days before the incident. “He had caught the two boys with a girl in the school premises. He reprimanded them and slapped them. I think the boys decided to teach him a lesson,” the source said. While the sensational murder did raise concerns about firearms being so freely available to children, the case remains unsolved till date.
THOUGH KILLINGS have been rare, other kinds of violence have often gone unrecorded. Psychologists and counsellors say, if children are exposed to a weapon, there’s a strong chance they’ll bring it into play. “If a child has seen a parent or relative using a weapon to settle a score, he assumes he could do the same,” says child and adolescent psychiatrist Deepak Gupta. “Parents need to understand that they can’t allow easy access to firearms. In the Gurgaon incident, all three became victims of their parents’ heedlessness,” he adds.
Although Gupta hasn’t come across a single case of a child carrying a weapon for self-defence, Dr Shailja Sen, a clinical and family psychologist at Sitaram Bhartia Hospital in Delhi, has. Eight percent of the current load of students who come to her for counselling admit to carrying weapons (mostly knives), not to school, but when they go to parties outside the school premises. Sen says most of those boys are 14- 15 years old and are part of a school gang that functions like a “mini mafia”. But many of them feel trapped: they want to break away from the gang but are unable to do so because of peer pressure.
Violence and aggression amongst children might be a metaphor of the times we live in, but where does it stem from? “The country seems to be in a phase of adolescence. The market is opening, money is flowing and lifestyles are changing. The outcome: puzzled parents and confused children,” says Sen.
For Amit*, fights are standard. One of his classmates revealed that Amit is part of a gang that uses knives or rods to threaten anyone who picks a fight with a gang member. When confronted, Amit denied this and then angrily asked, “Weren’t you part of a gang in school?” When told that in the girls’ boarding school this writer attended, nobody beat each other up or used weapons, the riled boy insisted that fights were “normal” and that the media blows such incidents out of proportion. “The way a fight is fought hasn’t changed. My parents did it too,” he retorts.
Counsellors say that, in India, students using weapons to get back at bullies or at rival gangs, is still a one-off event. But they agree that aggression among children has escalated over the last 10 years. Cartoons, movies, animated programmes and all other media seem to echo the same theme of power, violence and antagonism.
But weren’t the films made 20 years ago equally violent? “During our time, there was only one angry young man: Amitabh Bachchan. Today, every actor on the screen is angry and glorifies bloodshed,” says Gupta.
Education consultant Abha Adams concurs, saying that fights have become more extreme over the years. Children as young as five and six years use their fists to settle differences. “There’s a growing sense of anger, frustration and an inability to control one’s emotions. It reflects a lack of respect — for oneself and for the other person,” says Adams.
Another factor contributing to their frustration could be the way our education system is designed. While our economy is changing fast, our competition-driven education system plods on as before. Children are taught that they have no value if they aren’t on top of the pile. And children who aren’t very good at academics or games or anything else, end up at the bottom of the pile. They are often ridiculed by classmates and also face recriminations at home, from parents. It is then, psychologists say, that a child feels the need to regain his self-esteem and resorts to violent behavior. What schools need to do is to allow them time and design the curriculum in such a way that helps children introspect. “Unless we give that time to children, we are going to continue being part of the juggernaut that is hurtling from one conflict to another,” warns Adams.
ASHWIN MOHAN WAS 12 when he began carrying a Rampuri chaku (switch blade) to school. The reason was simple: fighting off the bullies. “The minute I flashed the knife, they would pull back,” recalls Mohan, now a 32-year-old martial arts teacher who discourages his students from carrying arms. “My knives have turned on me on several occasions and the cuts have been ugly,” he says. Instead, he teaches his students to resolve a brawl verbally or else, to simply walk away. “It signifies strength, not weakness,” he says.
Try telling that to 17-year-old Harish*, a student at a premier Delhi school. “I don’t take it lying down. I strike back,” Harish told TEHELKA, although he declined to answer when asked whether he had ever used a knife, a gun or a rod when he struck back.
According to a recent study of 550 adolescents conducted by Delhi’s Safdarjung Hospital across three schools and two Delhi colleges, almost 12 percent of students between the ages of 14 and 19 now carry weapons. The weapons included knives, guns, sticks, clubs, hunters and swords. About 13.5 percent who carried a weapon have threatened or injured someone with it over the past 12 months.
Dr Rahul Sharma, who conducted the study, told Tehelka, “Students were given questionnaires and they were allowed anonymous and voluntary participation. So we can’t be sure if everybody wrote the truth.
But the study does illustrate a worrying trend. It comes six months after the Gurgaon school shootout — a first for India — in which a 14-year-old was killed by two of his classmates. On December 12, 2007, Akash Yadav had allegedly stolen his father’s revolver, and smuggled it into school along with his friend Vikas Yadav. Shortly after classes ended, Akash and Vikas — both are sons of Gurgaon property dealers — pumped five bullets into Abhishek Tyagi. Their rationale: Tyagi had been bullying them.
Akash was admitted to the Gurgaon school just six months prior to the incident — he lived with his maternal grandmother in Faridabad before that — and his mother, Kamlesh Yadav, recalls that he would repeatedly say: “Mummy, main is school mein sirf ek saal padhoonga. Phir mujhe nikaal lena (I’ll study in this school for only a year. Withdraw me after that).” Kamlesh had thought her older son was having the standard “adjusting problems”. So each time he said something about changing schools, she just reassured him, saying, “It’ll be fine”.
The 32-year-old Kamlesh says that Akash, now in a juvenile home in Faridabad, had always been a quiet child. “He never discusses anything with anyone. Not even his friends.” Of the three times she has gone to meet her son at the juvenile home, the 14-year-old has been silent through most of the visit. Akash’s father, Azad Yadav, is in jail too, booked under the Arms Act, and Kamlesh says she can’t fight the case alone.
Unlike the Gurgaon homicide, which was carried out in broad daylight, another murder — on the premises of a premier school in Lucknow, 11 years ago — had taken place quietly, in the dark. The school was shut for the annual term break in March. One Friday morning, just before dawn, two persons made their way into the bachelors’ quarters on the school premises and fired, through a broken window, at the school’s sleeping physical training instructor, Frederick Gomes. Sources told TEHELKA that the principle suspects were the 30-year-old instructor’s former students, whom he had confronted a few days before the incident. “He had caught the two boys with a girl in the school premises. He reprimanded them and slapped them. I think the boys decided to teach him a lesson,” the source said. While the sensational murder did raise concerns about firearms being so freely available to children, the case remains unsolved till date.
THOUGH KILLINGS have been rare, other kinds of violence have often gone unrecorded. Psychologists and counsellors say, if children are exposed to a weapon, there’s a strong chance they’ll bring it into play. “If a child has seen a parent or relative using a weapon to settle a score, he assumes he could do the same,” says child and adolescent psychiatrist Deepak Gupta. “Parents need to understand that they can’t allow easy access to firearms. In the Gurgaon incident, all three became victims of their parents’ heedlessness,” he adds.
Although Gupta hasn’t come across a single case of a child carrying a weapon for self-defence, Dr Shailja Sen, a clinical and family psychologist at Sitaram Bhartia Hospital in Delhi, has. Eight percent of the current load of students who come to her for counselling admit to carrying weapons (mostly knives), not to school, but when they go to parties outside the school premises. Sen says most of those boys are 14- 15 years old and are part of a school gang that functions like a “mini mafia”. But many of them feel trapped: they want to break away from the gang but are unable to do so because of peer pressure.
Violence and aggression amongst children might be a metaphor of the times we live in, but where does it stem from? “The country seems to be in a phase of adolescence. The market is opening, money is flowing and lifestyles are changing. The outcome: puzzled parents and confused children,” says Sen.
For Amit*, fights are standard. One of his classmates revealed that Amit is part of a gang that uses knives or rods to threaten anyone who picks a fight with a gang member. When confronted, Amit denied this and then angrily asked, “Weren’t you part of a gang in school?” When told that in the girls’ boarding school this writer attended, nobody beat each other up or used weapons, the riled boy insisted that fights were “normal” and that the media blows such incidents out of proportion. “The way a fight is fought hasn’t changed. My parents did it too,” he retorts.
Counsellors say that, in India, students using weapons to get back at bullies or at rival gangs, is still a one-off event. But they agree that aggression among children has escalated over the last 10 years. Cartoons, movies, animated programmes and all other media seem to echo the same theme of power, violence and antagonism.
But weren’t the films made 20 years ago equally violent? “During our time, there was only one angry young man: Amitabh Bachchan. Today, every actor on the screen is angry and glorifies bloodshed,” says Gupta.
Education consultant Abha Adams concurs, saying that fights have become more extreme over the years. Children as young as five and six years use their fists to settle differences. “There’s a growing sense of anger, frustration and an inability to control one’s emotions. It reflects a lack of respect — for oneself and for the other person,” says Adams.
Another factor contributing to their frustration could be the way our education system is designed. While our economy is changing fast, our competition-driven education system plods on as before. Children are taught that they have no value if they aren’t on top of the pile. And children who aren’t very good at academics or games or anything else, end up at the bottom of the pile. They are often ridiculed by classmates and also face recriminations at home, from parents. It is then, psychologists say, that a child feels the need to regain his self-esteem and resorts to violent behavior. What schools need to do is to allow them time and design the curriculum in such a way that helps children introspect. “Unless we give that time to children, we are going to continue being part of the juggernaut that is hurtling from one conflict to another,” warns Adams.
Bullying high in schools in North India Jayalakshmi Venugopal
Study reveals bullying, corporal punishment the norm across campuses
BANGALORE: "Finally, you are here. What took you so long?"
The relief was palpable in the voices of students, when volunteers from the Bullying Research Initiative in Training and Education (BRITE) project visited campuses across North India.
The BRITE study done at 12 English-medium schools across Dehradun, Munsoorie and Chandigarh showed that students have been dealing with bullying not only on the playground, but inside classrooms.
The study conducted by Uttarakhand MLA and school teacher Karen Mayer; and psychologist and child protection consultant Aparna Massey showed that bullying often took place during class hours.
"Bullying is not state or country specific and there is a need to recognise the impact it has on children. Most schools are in denial about bullying on campus and didn't want to participate in the study. What is worrisome is that more bullying happens right under the teacher's nose and not as assumed, during lunch or recess when students are unsupervised," Karen said.
Nearly 1,200 students and 600 teachers were consulted between 2002 and 2005 as part of the project. Bullying among boys is usually through fights or using abusive language. In girls, bullying takes the form of teasing, name-calling or avoiding someone.
The BRITE study shows that 58.7 per cent boys in the age group of 14 to 18 felt that bullying was present on campus, while the figure was higher among girls, 65.09 per cent.
Karen and Aparna also worked on the issue of corporal punishment in schools. This project titled, Supporting Positive Alternatives for Raising Kindness in Education was conducted across five schools based in Dehradun and Himachal Pradesh between 2007 and 2008. "The schools approached us to investigate complaints of corporal punishment being meted out on campus," Aparna said.
The SPARKE findings were that there was a high level of acceptance for corporal punishment among students. Meaning, 64.4 per cent of students in the age group of eight to 18 indicated that they would bear with such punishments and not inform anyone about it because it is good for them. "Most of the students had been conditioned to think that it was okay to receive corporal punishment. Often parents asked teachers to hit their child to instil discipline," Aparna added.
Karen and Aparna are slated to interact with teachers and education professionals in Bangalore about a 'Child Protection Module,' as part of the national conference on the social and emotional environments of schools. The 'Schools that Care,' initiative is being organised by the Teacher Foundation, an organisation involved in the field of teacher training, and the National Council of Educational Research and Training and will held here between November 3 and 5.
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Fear is the key
MOST of us, if not all, have encountered the Bullying Boss some time or the other. If you are one yourself and not aware of it, then that may be your blind spot. For definition, he is the one who loves making subordinates squirm and whose moods radiate through the office or the shopfloor. He sends workers scurrying for cover as he descends the elevator, and his very voice causes stomach muscles to clench and pulses to quicken.
So long, researchers were interested in the bullies of the football ground and the battlefield. However, modern day workplaces are becoming the subject of investigation for examining the Bullying Boss phenomenon.
"Workers who are subject to prolonged bullying become desensitised, tacitly complicit and do not always act rationally," says Dr Calvin Morrill of the University of California at Irvine. Dr Harvey A. Hornstein, a retired professor from Teachers College at Columbia University and author of Brutal Bosses and Their Prey, says bullying usually has more to do with the boss's desires than with the employees' needs and managers bully subordinates for the sheer pleasure of exercising power.
Somewhat surprisingly, behavioural scientists have found that bullying has no effect on productivity although fear motivates different people differently. Further, psychologists say that people who enjoy abusing power frequently also revere it and often bullies are bootlickers of their bosses.
Ambition, experts say, is the bully's most insidious accessory. Working to please and impress a more powerful figure, the second-tier managers who are normal otherwise are "temporarily transformed into carbon copies of the alpha dogs". In well-defined hierarchies like the government, subordinate status itself causes people to defer to a superior's judgment.
Selfishly, too, workers who see a boss humiliating a colleague are relieved that the sword has fallen elsewhere and are secretly pleased that they look more competent by comparison. After watching in silence, even people who abhor the bullying become complicit in the behaviour and supply reasons to justify it.
The most common form of resistance to a bully remains the old-fashioned gripe. Sharing the misery or bad-mouthing and mimicking the boss at the canteen can make everyone feel a little better and may help in responding jointly to the abuse.
However, one of the best strategies to manage a bully, according to Dr Hornstein, is to watch for patterns in the tyrant's behaviour. "When the nostrils quiver and the lip tightens, Dr Hornstein said, all is not lost... Ignore the insulting tone of a boss's attack... Stick with the substance, not the process, and often it won't escalate."
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Boys Won't Cry
There are lessons to be learnt from the Gurgaon shootout, say psychologists:
* Violence far more rampant than acknowledged. Schools must factor in the consequences of bullying.
* School counsellors must interact frequently with students. Parents must attend PTA meetings.
* Schools need to invest in mental health of students
A little past 1 am on the night of December 13, the Faridabad Juvenile Home, about 35 kilometres from Delhi, prepared to receive two new inmates. Fourteen-year-olds Avinash and Vinay (names changed) were being brought to their new home—a drab, brown, two-floor building housing 55 juveniles, all facing detention for crimes ranging from theft to more heinous ones like murder and rape. This will be their home till such time as they get bail or are asked to serve their time.
The teenagers have spent a miserable time since, weeping and repenting their action, and the depressing interiors of the juvenile home have only served to heighten the misery. There have been visits from parents and relatives but the ordeal is only beginning. The caretaker is protective of his new inmates. Their crime is quite ordinary compared to some of his other wards, he says, speaking in that hard-boiled tone typical of those used to seeing extremes. "You have to see the bio-data of some of them," he says. A 12-year-old 'undertrial' has 18 cases ranging from murder to extortion against him. "The boys appear to have acted only when they could no longer endure it," he adds sympathetically. On December 24, Avinash and Vinay will be presented before the court.
Till about 2 pm last Tuesday, life at the Euro International School at the upmarket DLF township in Gurgaon, Haryana, was pretty mundane. Classes to attend, playing the occasional game, fighting for a seat on the bus, petty skirmishes on the playground. Nothing remarkable about the routine till one single macabre act turned the school into a household name. Avinash and Vinay, both Class viii students, pumped five bullets into classmate Abhishek Tyagi, who collapsed instantly. The action was premeditated and it has left the school and staff stunned and groping for answers.
The three protagonists were new entrants, having relocated from nearby village schools less than a year ago. In that respect they were unlike the other students who had been together from Class I. But in all other aspects, they seem to have been normal teenagers, with pretty unremarkable lives. If any of them was inclined to murder, it was certainly not evident. Did they have a violent streak in them that the teachers did not know of? The school had put in place cctvs in the classrooms, but these were switched off after the staff complained that they couldn't teach with cameras tracking their every move.
The school authorities today regret the move. Chairman Satyavir Yadav now says he will put more cameras in place, but knows all this is of little help in the event of another incident like this one. "I'd like the parents to declare in their admission forms whether they have guns at home and if so, are they kept out of reach from the children. But is it really possible to monitor all this?" asks Yadav.
In the national capital region town of Gurgaon south of Delhi, like the real estate hotbed of Ghaziabad to the east, money has come quick and easy for an entire generation of farmers and villagers. Many have sold off their lands to property sharks to settle down to a life of urban comforts. Others have joined the lucrative property dealer business themselves. The parents of the two students in question too have made their mark in the property boom. But if Avinash, Vinay and Abhishek were temperamentally different from the service class to which the other students belonged, the differences quickly got blurred in the rigours of academics.
As it is, Delhi, clinical psychologists will inform you, is particularly susceptible to violence compared to other metros. Dr Rajat Mitra says this is because Delhi—bearing the burden of history—is a more aggressive city.
The juvenile home caretaker says their crime is ordinary: "You have to see the biodata of some of the others."
A sense of alienation is high here. "There is such an acute sense of competitiveness...aggression comes with the trait, so it's common in Delhi schools," says Mitra.
Mitra and others do not discount the fact of communities/ castes associated with borderline occupations like property selling and the transport business being more aggressive than other service occupations. Euro School chairman Yadav though won't have any of it. He says it's easy to generalise that a property dealer's son may be naturally disposed to violence, but nothing could be further from the truth. "My father is a transporter and I am an iim Ahmedabad graduate. It's the values learnt at home that stand you in good stead," states Yadav. He points out that in Ghaziabad and Gurgaon, it is natural to see second-generation teenagers with rural backgrounds turning to education to climb the social order.
What worries Yadav more is the rising number of gun-owning households. "I can't believe they would leave guns within reach of youngsters," he says. The father of the victim, Ravindar Tyagi, though, feels "guns are common. What is important is that it's kept out of the child's reach. The fact is, Akash's father kept a fully loaded gun in the TV trolley. It's shocking". He blames the school too. "When we get them enrolled in the best schools, we expect the authorities to take care of our children," says Tyagi.
Having lost his only son, Tyagi's anguish is understandable.
The victim’s father says that "guns are common". He’s upset the kids had access.
But if the interviews with people who knew the boys and who interrogated them are any indication, Akash and Vilas appear to have been victims of some "vigorous bullying" by the bigger Abhishek. Investigating officials said "the pinching and pummelling appears to have gone on unnoticed by school authorities for about three months. Till two days before December 12, when the two fought again. It was then that Akash decided to 'fix' him. He was obsessed with the idea of revenge, determined to finish him off ".
Meanwhile, more theories do the rounds. Dr P.C. Shastri, chairperson of the child psychiatry and Indian Association of Private Psychiatry, says very often it is the excessive, strict discipline at home that is a child's undoing. "Defiant behaviour is high in such an environment and sometimes all it needs is a provocation...," he says but cautions that provocation does not fit into any stereotype.
Shastri, who has done extensive studies on behaviour patterns among Mumbai's students, says that very often it is incomprehensible for a bullied child to think that his actions could result in death. "In a world where aggression is actually encouraged (whether it be even in a game like cricket) and counter-aggression is not frowned upon, it is perhaps time to think of ways to give vent to it without anyone getting injured."
Violence in our schools may not be anywhere near the all-alarming levels in the US, but statistics show that it is a factor now. A Delhi school boy has just been sentenced to life for killing his classfellow two years ago. Elsewhere in Mumbai, a schoolkid was abducted and murdered. In the past week or so, at the Baruipara High School, 15 kilometres from Behrampore in West Bengal, a teenager stabbed a junior girl student who refused to marry him. Then there's the case of a public schoolboy in Mumbai who strangled himself in an apparent asphyxiation fix gone sour. The last mentioned case particularly shows up the influence of media and the Net. Times have changed from when a fascination for violent PC games was cause for worry.
While such incidents seem scattered and unconnected, psychologists believe it is time correctional systems are built to handle aggression. Clinical psychologist Mitra says, "Very often a child who has been bullied undergoes humiliation and reacts with rage. All the child needs as an outlet for the rage is provocation." Like a recent incident where a student of a prominent South Delhi school (who was being constantly bullied) hurled a stone at his tormentor, injuring him seriously. "The boy kept repeating that he could have killed him," says Mitra.
Mitra says it is time schools realise that bullying is rampant. "It can take the form of verbal abuse (largely prevalent among girls), physical abuse and relational abuse (where the intention is to destroy the self-worth of a kid). Any of this or all can result in homicidal rage," says Mitra.
Throwing light on the bully, Dr Shoba Srinath, head of child and adolescent psychiatry at the National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences, says aggressive kids usually come from homes where such attitudes are prevalent. "Schools should look at educating children rather than than just making them literate," says Srinath. Mitra is in agreement with her when he says that child bullies usually come from families where violence is equated with defining power, at home and outside.
Realising the warning signs, the XIth Five Year Plan makes a mention of a separate allocation for "mental health" in schools. This would require school authorities to spend time and energy understanding the psychology of students and spending time counselling them.
One of the reasons why there is little study on the behavioural aspects of school children is that most educational institutions hush up cases of violence and other aberrations whenever they come to light. The Gurgaon school shoot out should serve as a wake-up call.
BANGALORE: "Finally, you are here. What took you so long?"
The relief was palpable in the voices of students, when volunteers from the Bullying Research Initiative in Training and Education (BRITE) project visited campuses across North India.
The BRITE study done at 12 English-medium schools across Dehradun, Munsoorie and Chandigarh showed that students have been dealing with bullying not only on the playground, but inside classrooms.
The study conducted by Uttarakhand MLA and school teacher Karen Mayer; and psychologist and child protection consultant Aparna Massey showed that bullying often took place during class hours.
"Bullying is not state or country specific and there is a need to recognise the impact it has on children. Most schools are in denial about bullying on campus and didn't want to participate in the study. What is worrisome is that more bullying happens right under the teacher's nose and not as assumed, during lunch or recess when students are unsupervised," Karen said.
Nearly 1,200 students and 600 teachers were consulted between 2002 and 2005 as part of the project. Bullying among boys is usually through fights or using abusive language. In girls, bullying takes the form of teasing, name-calling or avoiding someone.
The BRITE study shows that 58.7 per cent boys in the age group of 14 to 18 felt that bullying was present on campus, while the figure was higher among girls, 65.09 per cent.
Karen and Aparna also worked on the issue of corporal punishment in schools. This project titled, Supporting Positive Alternatives for Raising Kindness in Education was conducted across five schools based in Dehradun and Himachal Pradesh between 2007 and 2008. "The schools approached us to investigate complaints of corporal punishment being meted out on campus," Aparna said.
The SPARKE findings were that there was a high level of acceptance for corporal punishment among students. Meaning, 64.4 per cent of students in the age group of eight to 18 indicated that they would bear with such punishments and not inform anyone about it because it is good for them. "Most of the students had been conditioned to think that it was okay to receive corporal punishment. Often parents asked teachers to hit their child to instil discipline," Aparna added.
Karen and Aparna are slated to interact with teachers and education professionals in Bangalore about a 'Child Protection Module,' as part of the national conference on the social and emotional environments of schools. The 'Schools that Care,' initiative is being organised by the Teacher Foundation, an organisation involved in the field of teacher training, and the National Council of Educational Research and Training and will held here between November 3 and 5.
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Fear is the key
MOST of us, if not all, have encountered the Bullying Boss some time or the other. If you are one yourself and not aware of it, then that may be your blind spot. For definition, he is the one who loves making subordinates squirm and whose moods radiate through the office or the shopfloor. He sends workers scurrying for cover as he descends the elevator, and his very voice causes stomach muscles to clench and pulses to quicken.
So long, researchers were interested in the bullies of the football ground and the battlefield. However, modern day workplaces are becoming the subject of investigation for examining the Bullying Boss phenomenon.
"Workers who are subject to prolonged bullying become desensitised, tacitly complicit and do not always act rationally," says Dr Calvin Morrill of the University of California at Irvine. Dr Harvey A. Hornstein, a retired professor from Teachers College at Columbia University and author of Brutal Bosses and Their Prey, says bullying usually has more to do with the boss's desires than with the employees' needs and managers bully subordinates for the sheer pleasure of exercising power.
Somewhat surprisingly, behavioural scientists have found that bullying has no effect on productivity although fear motivates different people differently. Further, psychologists say that people who enjoy abusing power frequently also revere it and often bullies are bootlickers of their bosses.
Ambition, experts say, is the bully's most insidious accessory. Working to please and impress a more powerful figure, the second-tier managers who are normal otherwise are "temporarily transformed into carbon copies of the alpha dogs". In well-defined hierarchies like the government, subordinate status itself causes people to defer to a superior's judgment.
Selfishly, too, workers who see a boss humiliating a colleague are relieved that the sword has fallen elsewhere and are secretly pleased that they look more competent by comparison. After watching in silence, even people who abhor the bullying become complicit in the behaviour and supply reasons to justify it.
The most common form of resistance to a bully remains the old-fashioned gripe. Sharing the misery or bad-mouthing and mimicking the boss at the canteen can make everyone feel a little better and may help in responding jointly to the abuse.
However, one of the best strategies to manage a bully, according to Dr Hornstein, is to watch for patterns in the tyrant's behaviour. "When the nostrils quiver and the lip tightens, Dr Hornstein said, all is not lost... Ignore the insulting tone of a boss's attack... Stick with the substance, not the process, and often it won't escalate."
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Boys Won't Cry
There are lessons to be learnt from the Gurgaon shootout, say psychologists:
* Violence far more rampant than acknowledged. Schools must factor in the consequences of bullying.
* School counsellors must interact frequently with students. Parents must attend PTA meetings.
* Schools need to invest in mental health of students
A little past 1 am on the night of December 13, the Faridabad Juvenile Home, about 35 kilometres from Delhi, prepared to receive two new inmates. Fourteen-year-olds Avinash and Vinay (names changed) were being brought to their new home—a drab, brown, two-floor building housing 55 juveniles, all facing detention for crimes ranging from theft to more heinous ones like murder and rape. This will be their home till such time as they get bail or are asked to serve their time.
The teenagers have spent a miserable time since, weeping and repenting their action, and the depressing interiors of the juvenile home have only served to heighten the misery. There have been visits from parents and relatives but the ordeal is only beginning. The caretaker is protective of his new inmates. Their crime is quite ordinary compared to some of his other wards, he says, speaking in that hard-boiled tone typical of those used to seeing extremes. "You have to see the bio-data of some of them," he says. A 12-year-old 'undertrial' has 18 cases ranging from murder to extortion against him. "The boys appear to have acted only when they could no longer endure it," he adds sympathetically. On December 24, Avinash and Vinay will be presented before the court.
Till about 2 pm last Tuesday, life at the Euro International School at the upmarket DLF township in Gurgaon, Haryana, was pretty mundane. Classes to attend, playing the occasional game, fighting for a seat on the bus, petty skirmishes on the playground. Nothing remarkable about the routine till one single macabre act turned the school into a household name. Avinash and Vinay, both Class viii students, pumped five bullets into classmate Abhishek Tyagi, who collapsed instantly. The action was premeditated and it has left the school and staff stunned and groping for answers.
The three protagonists were new entrants, having relocated from nearby village schools less than a year ago. In that respect they were unlike the other students who had been together from Class I. But in all other aspects, they seem to have been normal teenagers, with pretty unremarkable lives. If any of them was inclined to murder, it was certainly not evident. Did they have a violent streak in them that the teachers did not know of? The school had put in place cctvs in the classrooms, but these were switched off after the staff complained that they couldn't teach with cameras tracking their every move.
The school authorities today regret the move. Chairman Satyavir Yadav now says he will put more cameras in place, but knows all this is of little help in the event of another incident like this one. "I'd like the parents to declare in their admission forms whether they have guns at home and if so, are they kept out of reach from the children. But is it really possible to monitor all this?" asks Yadav.
In the national capital region town of Gurgaon south of Delhi, like the real estate hotbed of Ghaziabad to the east, money has come quick and easy for an entire generation of farmers and villagers. Many have sold off their lands to property sharks to settle down to a life of urban comforts. Others have joined the lucrative property dealer business themselves. The parents of the two students in question too have made their mark in the property boom. But if Avinash, Vinay and Abhishek were temperamentally different from the service class to which the other students belonged, the differences quickly got blurred in the rigours of academics.
As it is, Delhi, clinical psychologists will inform you, is particularly susceptible to violence compared to other metros. Dr Rajat Mitra says this is because Delhi—bearing the burden of history—is a more aggressive city.
The juvenile home caretaker says their crime is ordinary: "You have to see the biodata of some of the others."
A sense of alienation is high here. "There is such an acute sense of competitiveness...aggression comes with the trait, so it's common in Delhi schools," says Mitra.
Mitra and others do not discount the fact of communities/ castes associated with borderline occupations like property selling and the transport business being more aggressive than other service occupations. Euro School chairman Yadav though won't have any of it. He says it's easy to generalise that a property dealer's son may be naturally disposed to violence, but nothing could be further from the truth. "My father is a transporter and I am an iim Ahmedabad graduate. It's the values learnt at home that stand you in good stead," states Yadav. He points out that in Ghaziabad and Gurgaon, it is natural to see second-generation teenagers with rural backgrounds turning to education to climb the social order.
What worries Yadav more is the rising number of gun-owning households. "I can't believe they would leave guns within reach of youngsters," he says. The father of the victim, Ravindar Tyagi, though, feels "guns are common. What is important is that it's kept out of the child's reach. The fact is, Akash's father kept a fully loaded gun in the TV trolley. It's shocking". He blames the school too. "When we get them enrolled in the best schools, we expect the authorities to take care of our children," says Tyagi.
Having lost his only son, Tyagi's anguish is understandable.
The victim’s father says that "guns are common". He’s upset the kids had access.
But if the interviews with people who knew the boys and who interrogated them are any indication, Akash and Vilas appear to have been victims of some "vigorous bullying" by the bigger Abhishek. Investigating officials said "the pinching and pummelling appears to have gone on unnoticed by school authorities for about three months. Till two days before December 12, when the two fought again. It was then that Akash decided to 'fix' him. He was obsessed with the idea of revenge, determined to finish him off ".
Meanwhile, more theories do the rounds. Dr P.C. Shastri, chairperson of the child psychiatry and Indian Association of Private Psychiatry, says very often it is the excessive, strict discipline at home that is a child's undoing. "Defiant behaviour is high in such an environment and sometimes all it needs is a provocation...," he says but cautions that provocation does not fit into any stereotype.
Shastri, who has done extensive studies on behaviour patterns among Mumbai's students, says that very often it is incomprehensible for a bullied child to think that his actions could result in death. "In a world where aggression is actually encouraged (whether it be even in a game like cricket) and counter-aggression is not frowned upon, it is perhaps time to think of ways to give vent to it without anyone getting injured."
Violence in our schools may not be anywhere near the all-alarming levels in the US, but statistics show that it is a factor now. A Delhi school boy has just been sentenced to life for killing his classfellow two years ago. Elsewhere in Mumbai, a schoolkid was abducted and murdered. In the past week or so, at the Baruipara High School, 15 kilometres from Behrampore in West Bengal, a teenager stabbed a junior girl student who refused to marry him. Then there's the case of a public schoolboy in Mumbai who strangled himself in an apparent asphyxiation fix gone sour. The last mentioned case particularly shows up the influence of media and the Net. Times have changed from when a fascination for violent PC games was cause for worry.
While such incidents seem scattered and unconnected, psychologists believe it is time correctional systems are built to handle aggression. Clinical psychologist Mitra says, "Very often a child who has been bullied undergoes humiliation and reacts with rage. All the child needs as an outlet for the rage is provocation." Like a recent incident where a student of a prominent South Delhi school (who was being constantly bullied) hurled a stone at his tormentor, injuring him seriously. "The boy kept repeating that he could have killed him," says Mitra.
Mitra says it is time schools realise that bullying is rampant. "It can take the form of verbal abuse (largely prevalent among girls), physical abuse and relational abuse (where the intention is to destroy the self-worth of a kid). Any of this or all can result in homicidal rage," says Mitra.
Throwing light on the bully, Dr Shoba Srinath, head of child and adolescent psychiatry at the National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences, says aggressive kids usually come from homes where such attitudes are prevalent. "Schools should look at educating children rather than than just making them literate," says Srinath. Mitra is in agreement with her when he says that child bullies usually come from families where violence is equated with defining power, at home and outside.
Realising the warning signs, the XIth Five Year Plan makes a mention of a separate allocation for "mental health" in schools. This would require school authorities to spend time and energy understanding the psychology of students and spending time counselling them.
One of the reasons why there is little study on the behavioural aspects of school children is that most educational institutions hush up cases of violence and other aberrations whenever they come to light. The Gurgaon school shoot out should serve as a wake-up call.
Bullying and Children
Bullying can be a humiliating and embarrassing experience for a child which can demoralize them. If the child is being bullied in his school, it is very incorrect to on part of parents to ignore this issue. The help and support of parents is very important to help the child cope with bullying. Learn about why children are bullied, the effects bullying can have on children and what parents of bullied children can do to help them.
Anand was a young boy studying in a school only consisting of boys. He was not aggressive like other boys. He did not like football and other games played by boys of his age. He was soft-spoken and quiet, not boisterous like his other classmates. He loved dance and studying. Sadly, a few boys in his class started being mean to him and bullying him everyday.
They would call him names like 'girly' and 'Anandita' instead of Anand! They used to tease him everyday. They would tell him he was like a girl and crack jokes about him. They constantly made fun of him and this teasing almost drove him to depression. He would be on the verge of tears everyday after school and cried himself to sleep every night. However, Anand's parents gave him right support and help to fight back this situation.
Sadly and unfortunately incidents like the above do occur in schools. The term is known as bullying and it is a very humiliating and painful experience for the victim. But right steps taken by parents at the right time can help the child to cope with the situation.
Who are at the Risk of Being Bullied?
It is very often children with special needs, handicapped children, overweight children, children who are shy and anxious and others with certain psychological traits who become victims of bullying.
Studies show that overweight adolescents are more likely to be bullied by their classmates than those of normal weight. The bullies pass nasty comments on them and tease them. Children with a handicap or a disability are often an easy target. Bullies often target those with disabilities because they are easier to pick on .These children generally don't fight back or complain about it especially if they have an inability to communicate properly.
What Parents can do
If your child is being bullied, do not take it lightly. Teach your child to be confident and brave. Make sure that your child understands that he is not to be blamed. These children may develop low self-esteem and begin doubting themselves. They may feel that something must be wrong with them. Make sure you let your child know that he is as equal and as important as anybody else.
School days are meant to be filled with beautiful and fond memories. Bullying takes away the memorable experiences associated with school life. Every child has a right to be treated respectfully. Bullied children are innocent and do nothing to deserve such treatment. Take a strong stand if your child is being bullied and make sure your child experiences a healthy and happy childhood
Anand was a young boy studying in a school only consisting of boys. He was not aggressive like other boys. He did not like football and other games played by boys of his age. He was soft-spoken and quiet, not boisterous like his other classmates. He loved dance and studying. Sadly, a few boys in his class started being mean to him and bullying him everyday.
They would call him names like 'girly' and 'Anandita' instead of Anand! They used to tease him everyday. They would tell him he was like a girl and crack jokes about him. They constantly made fun of him and this teasing almost drove him to depression. He would be on the verge of tears everyday after school and cried himself to sleep every night. However, Anand's parents gave him right support and help to fight back this situation.
Sadly and unfortunately incidents like the above do occur in schools. The term is known as bullying and it is a very humiliating and painful experience for the victim. But right steps taken by parents at the right time can help the child to cope with the situation.
Who are at the Risk of Being Bullied?
It is very often children with special needs, handicapped children, overweight children, children who are shy and anxious and others with certain psychological traits who become victims of bullying.
Studies show that overweight adolescents are more likely to be bullied by their classmates than those of normal weight. The bullies pass nasty comments on them and tease them. Children with a handicap or a disability are often an easy target. Bullies often target those with disabilities because they are easier to pick on .These children generally don't fight back or complain about it especially if they have an inability to communicate properly.
What Parents can do
If your child is being bullied, do not take it lightly. Teach your child to be confident and brave. Make sure that your child understands that he is not to be blamed. These children may develop low self-esteem and begin doubting themselves. They may feel that something must be wrong with them. Make sure you let your child know that he is as equal and as important as anybody else.
School days are meant to be filled with beautiful and fond memories. Bullying takes away the memorable experiences associated with school life. Every child has a right to be treated respectfully. Bullied children are innocent and do nothing to deserve such treatment. Take a strong stand if your child is being bullied and make sure your child experiences a healthy and happy childhood
Dealing With Bullying
Bullying Is a Big Problem
Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don't always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.
Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical strength or social standing.
Two of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and social status. Bullies pick on the people they think don't fit in, maybe because of how they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn), their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be gay or lesbian.
Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying).
Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website — practices that are known as cyberbullying.
How Does Bullying Make People Feel?
One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless. Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a person in a state of constant fear.
Guys and girls who are bullied may find their schoolwork and health suffering. Amber began having stomach pains and diarrhea and was diagnosed with a digestive condition called irritable bowel syndrome as a result of the stress that came from being bullied throughout ninth grade. Mafooz spent his afternoons hungry and unable to concentrate in class because he was too afraid to go to the school cafeteria at lunchtime.
Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress, depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide more.
Bullies are at risk for problems, too. Bullying is violence, and it often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up. It's estimated that 1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30. Some teen bullies end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.
Who Bullies?
Both guys and girls can be bullies. Bullies may be outgoing and aggressive. Or a bully can appear reserved on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in subtle, deceptive ways, like anonymously starting a damaging rumor just to see what happens.
Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. Sometimes they have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.
Although most bullies think they're hot stuff and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they've been hurt by bullies in the past — maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.
Some bullies actually have personality disorders that don't allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist.
What Can You Do?
For younger kids, the best way to solve a bullying problem is to tell a trusted adult. For teens, though, the tell-an-adult approach depends on the bullying situation.
One situation in which it is vital to report bullying is if it threatens to lead to physical danger and harm. Numerous high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks went unreported and the silence gave the bully license to become more and more violent.
Sometimes the victim of repeated bullying cannot control the need for revenge and the situation becomes dangerous for everyone.
Adults in positions of authority — parents, teachers, or coaches — can often find ways to resolve dangerous bullying problems without the bully ever learning how they found out about it.
If you're in a bullying situation that you think may escalate into physical violence, try to avoid being alone (and if you have a friend in this situation, spend as much time as you can together). Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other people or by sticking close to friends or classmates during the times that the bullying takes place.
Bullying Survival Tips
Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They're also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:
* Ignore the bully and walk away. It's definitely not a coward's response — sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you're telling the bully that you just don't care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you're not vulnerable.
* Hold the anger. Who doesn't want to get really upset with a bully? But that's exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you're in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can't walk away with poise, use humor — it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).
* Don't get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don't use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that's not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.
* Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
* Take charge of your life. You can't control other people's actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best — and your strongest — so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It's a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.
* Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend — anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you're being bullied.
* Find your (true) friends. If you've been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what's true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, "I know the rumor's not true. I didn't pay attention to it," can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is — petty, rude, and immature.
What If You're the Bully?
All of us have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. For some people, when they're feeling stressed, angry, or frustrated, picking on someone else can be a quick escape — it takes the attention away from them and their problems. Some bullies learn from firsthand experience. Perhaps name-calling, putdowns, or physical force are the norms in their families. Whatever the reason, though, it's no excuse for being the bully.
If you find it hard to resist the temptation to bully, you might want to talk with someone you look up to. Try to think about how others feel when you tease or hurt them. If you have trouble figuring this out (many people who bully do), you might ask someone else to help you think of the other person's side.
Bullying behavior backfires and makes everyone feel miserable — even the bullies. People might feel intimidated by bullies, but they don't respect them. If you would rather that people see your strength and character — even look up to you as a leader — find a way to use your power for something positive rather than to put others down.
Do you really want people to think of you as unkind, abusive, and mean? It's never too late to change, although changing a pattern of bullying might seem difficult at first. Ask an adult you respect for some mentoring or coaching on how you could change.
Steps to Stop Bullying in Schools
If the environment at your school supports bullying, working to change it can help. For example, there may be areas where bullies harass people, such as in stairwells or courtyards that are unobserved by staff. Because a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers (the bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all), enlisting the help of friends or a group is a good way to change the culture and stand up to bullies.
You can try to talk to the bully. If you don't feel comfortable in a face-to-face discussion, leave a note in the bully's locker. Try to point out that his or her behavior is serious and harmful. This can work well in group situations, such as if you notice that a member of your group has started to pick on or shun another member.
Most people hesitate to speak out because it can be hard. It takes confidence to stand up to a bully — especially if he or she is one of the established group leaders. But chances are the other students witnessing the bullying behavior feel as uncomfortable as you do. They may just not be speaking up. Perhaps they feel that they're not popular enough to take a stand or worry that they're vulnerable and the bully will turn on them. Staying quiet (even though they don't like the bully's behavior) is a way to distance themselves from the person who is the target.
When a group of people keeps quiet like this, the bully's reach is extending beyond just one person. He or she is managing to intimidate lots of people. But when one person speaks out against a bully, the reverse happens. It gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.
Another way to combat bullying is to join your school's anti-violence program or, if your school doesn't have one, to start one of your own.
Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don't always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.
Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical strength or social standing.
Two of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and social status. Bullies pick on the people they think don't fit in, maybe because of how they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn), their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be gay or lesbian.
Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying).
Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website — practices that are known as cyberbullying.
How Does Bullying Make People Feel?
One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless. Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a person in a state of constant fear.
Guys and girls who are bullied may find their schoolwork and health suffering. Amber began having stomach pains and diarrhea and was diagnosed with a digestive condition called irritable bowel syndrome as a result of the stress that came from being bullied throughout ninth grade. Mafooz spent his afternoons hungry and unable to concentrate in class because he was too afraid to go to the school cafeteria at lunchtime.
Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress, depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide more.
Bullies are at risk for problems, too. Bullying is violence, and it often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up. It's estimated that 1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30. Some teen bullies end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.
Who Bullies?
Both guys and girls can be bullies. Bullies may be outgoing and aggressive. Or a bully can appear reserved on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in subtle, deceptive ways, like anonymously starting a damaging rumor just to see what happens.
Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. Sometimes they have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.
Although most bullies think they're hot stuff and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they've been hurt by bullies in the past — maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.
Some bullies actually have personality disorders that don't allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist.
What Can You Do?
For younger kids, the best way to solve a bullying problem is to tell a trusted adult. For teens, though, the tell-an-adult approach depends on the bullying situation.
One situation in which it is vital to report bullying is if it threatens to lead to physical danger and harm. Numerous high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks went unreported and the silence gave the bully license to become more and more violent.
Sometimes the victim of repeated bullying cannot control the need for revenge and the situation becomes dangerous for everyone.
Adults in positions of authority — parents, teachers, or coaches — can often find ways to resolve dangerous bullying problems without the bully ever learning how they found out about it.
If you're in a bullying situation that you think may escalate into physical violence, try to avoid being alone (and if you have a friend in this situation, spend as much time as you can together). Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other people or by sticking close to friends or classmates during the times that the bullying takes place.
Bullying Survival Tips
Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They're also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:
* Ignore the bully and walk away. It's definitely not a coward's response — sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you're telling the bully that you just don't care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you're not vulnerable.
* Hold the anger. Who doesn't want to get really upset with a bully? But that's exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you're in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can't walk away with poise, use humor — it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).
* Don't get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don't use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that's not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.
* Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
* Take charge of your life. You can't control other people's actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best — and your strongest — so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It's a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.
* Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend — anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you're being bullied.
* Find your (true) friends. If you've been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what's true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, "I know the rumor's not true. I didn't pay attention to it," can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is — petty, rude, and immature.
What If You're the Bully?
All of us have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. For some people, when they're feeling stressed, angry, or frustrated, picking on someone else can be a quick escape — it takes the attention away from them and their problems. Some bullies learn from firsthand experience. Perhaps name-calling, putdowns, or physical force are the norms in their families. Whatever the reason, though, it's no excuse for being the bully.
If you find it hard to resist the temptation to bully, you might want to talk with someone you look up to. Try to think about how others feel when you tease or hurt them. If you have trouble figuring this out (many people who bully do), you might ask someone else to help you think of the other person's side.
Bullying behavior backfires and makes everyone feel miserable — even the bullies. People might feel intimidated by bullies, but they don't respect them. If you would rather that people see your strength and character — even look up to you as a leader — find a way to use your power for something positive rather than to put others down.
Do you really want people to think of you as unkind, abusive, and mean? It's never too late to change, although changing a pattern of bullying might seem difficult at first. Ask an adult you respect for some mentoring or coaching on how you could change.
Steps to Stop Bullying in Schools
If the environment at your school supports bullying, working to change it can help. For example, there may be areas where bullies harass people, such as in stairwells or courtyards that are unobserved by staff. Because a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers (the bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all), enlisting the help of friends or a group is a good way to change the culture and stand up to bullies.
You can try to talk to the bully. If you don't feel comfortable in a face-to-face discussion, leave a note in the bully's locker. Try to point out that his or her behavior is serious and harmful. This can work well in group situations, such as if you notice that a member of your group has started to pick on or shun another member.
Most people hesitate to speak out because it can be hard. It takes confidence to stand up to a bully — especially if he or she is one of the established group leaders. But chances are the other students witnessing the bullying behavior feel as uncomfortable as you do. They may just not be speaking up. Perhaps they feel that they're not popular enough to take a stand or worry that they're vulnerable and the bully will turn on them. Staying quiet (even though they don't like the bully's behavior) is a way to distance themselves from the person who is the target.
When a group of people keeps quiet like this, the bully's reach is extending beyond just one person. He or she is managing to intimidate lots of people. But when one person speaks out against a bully, the reverse happens. It gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.
Another way to combat bullying is to join your school's anti-violence program or, if your school doesn't have one, to start one of your own.
bullying main
Bullying is defined as one child or several repeatedly teasing, taunting, threatening or physically abusing another child. Bullying can happen to children of all ages but smaller children are particularly vulnerable
Continued bullying can leave lifelong scars.
Victims of bullying are likely to be anxious, passive sensitive, physically weak children. As adults bullied children tend to become depressive and suffer from poor self-esteem.
What can you do?
* Take all complaints of bullying made by your child seriously.
* Report the incidents to the teacher and if possible the parents of the bully.
* Teach your children to be assertive. Practice with the child assertive techniques such as looking people directly in the eye, answering in a more confident tone.
* Encourage children to use their brains and not brawn when bullied.
* Find an ally at school with a teacher or another parent.
* Find a classmate to be a friend to your child and help him stand up to the bully.
* Stress the child's individual talents. Encourage him to try sports or activities that interest them or show off his particular talents.
* Discuss the day with your child every night. So that you know what is happening.
What do you do if it is your child who is doing the bullying?
* Don't convict him without proof.
* If you have proof don't deny facts.
* Practice controlling the aggressive behaviour with positive reinforcement through acknowledgement and praise for good behaviour.
* Set clear limits for what is acceptable and what is not.
* Make a consistent effort to find talents or strengths you can focus the child's attention on.
* If all else fails, seek professional help. This is very important to discover the cause of the bullying behaviour.
* Consider making a clean start in another school.
* Practice praising the child for what he does right rather than reprimanding him for what he does wrong.
* Set up a good example at home (don't bully him!).
Continued bullying can leave lifelong scars.
Victims of bullying are likely to be anxious, passive sensitive, physically weak children. As adults bullied children tend to become depressive and suffer from poor self-esteem.
What can you do?
* Take all complaints of bullying made by your child seriously.
* Report the incidents to the teacher and if possible the parents of the bully.
* Teach your children to be assertive. Practice with the child assertive techniques such as looking people directly in the eye, answering in a more confident tone.
* Encourage children to use their brains and not brawn when bullied.
* Find an ally at school with a teacher or another parent.
* Find a classmate to be a friend to your child and help him stand up to the bully.
* Stress the child's individual talents. Encourage him to try sports or activities that interest them or show off his particular talents.
* Discuss the day with your child every night. So that you know what is happening.
What do you do if it is your child who is doing the bullying?
* Don't convict him without proof.
* If you have proof don't deny facts.
* Practice controlling the aggressive behaviour with positive reinforcement through acknowledgement and praise for good behaviour.
* Set clear limits for what is acceptable and what is not.
* Make a consistent effort to find talents or strengths you can focus the child's attention on.
* If all else fails, seek professional help. This is very important to discover the cause of the bullying behaviour.
* Consider making a clean start in another school.
* Practice praising the child for what he does right rather than reprimanding him for what he does wrong.
* Set up a good example at home (don't bully him!).
CBSE Tele Help line is now Toll Free
Notice from Central Board of Secondary Education regarding publishing a toll free tele help line and this can be used by students to avail services of counseling. This tele help line from CBSE will be open till 8th April 2010.
Here is the number 1800 11 7002 - Students can call this number from any part of the country.
With exams near by I am sure this step will help students and provide them with some good counseling to make them prepare well and be ready to write the CBSE Class 10th and Class 12th examination.
Here is the number 1800 11 7002 - Students can call this number from any part of the country.
With exams near by I am sure this step will help students and provide them with some good counseling to make them prepare well and be ready to write the CBSE Class 10th and Class 12th examination.
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